1 year later...

Exactly one year ago today I began my career as a teacher full of hopes and dreams. I ended the day with a mild concussion from one of my students in tears. "It can only get better from here" I thought. Wrong.

It's been a crazy year for me in all respects. But I know it is growing and shaping me. I want to surrender this next year to God because I know He has something awesome for me.

I went to a concert tonight of one of my favorite bands, Five For Fighting. Here are some of his lyrics:

"I gotta get away from here..."

 "I don't know where I'm going yet
but  I sure am getting there"

"Every day's a new day"

"What Kind of world do you want
Think Anything
Let's start at the start
Build a masterpiece

History Starts Now

Be careful what you wish for
Start Now"

Fall down seven times, get up eight

When I graduated from college, I had a pretty strong hope and passion and plan for what was next in my life. I was walking fairly closely with God at the time too. Only problem was, my dreams were based on MY plans and what made sense in the scheme of the world. I had an education, and credentials, and some connections to get ahead in the working world. I had a plan of how my life would go.

Anyone who knows me knows all that took a bit of a beating over the last year. It didn't take much time teaching for me to feel burned out, unappreciated, and disillusioned. I watched as slowly all my plans fell apart in a matter of months and let it take me down with it. By May, I started walking away from God and straight into the arms of sin. I took all of my confusion and emptiness as an excuse to rebel and ended up regretting it.

Just before I left for Kenya, I had become pretty bitter about my whole situation. I knew that Kenya would be good but I also knew I was leaving with no idea what I would do when I came home.

From day 2 of being in Kenya, I put the entire trip into God's hands. I had started to develop some expectations of what my experience this time would be like, and I let those go. And I watched God do some amazing things. There were times of frustration and heartbreak, but overall Kenya was a huge lesson to me in trusting God and letting go.

The whole time I was in Kenya various people would ask what I do and I would explain how I don't have a job and need to go home and "figure out what I am doing with my life." I realized quickly that this was the wrong approach altogether and that I just want what God wants.

In Kenya, I saw so much joy in the midst of poverty and suffering. Yes, some circumstances in my life were hard. But I have 2 parents and a home and clothes and food and an education and good health... to an Kenyan this is unbelievable wealth. So I was determined not to lose my joy and fall into our selfish culture and complain.

I came home on a mountain and stayed that way for a few weeks. Yet my quiet times with God began to be neglected and worldly things distracted me. Plus I still had no answers on where my life was headed. I heard about the Vineyard Cause Conference and thought this would be the perfect change to refresh and refocus and seek some direction in my life.

Due to some poor decisions on my part, I did not get all I could out of the conference and the consequences of my choices hit me when I got back. I lost a relationship that had just been beginning and took it pretty hard. I retreated to days of solitude and slothfulness and melancholy. I stopped talking to God.

In the midst of all this, I knew God was removing idols in my life not to hurt me but to teach me to only rely on Him for love, security, purpose, direction, comfort, love, beauty, fulfillment, etc. I knew I needed to be seeking Him, praying and reading His word to find my calling instead of trying to find it on my own. But I didn't.

Tonight I went to an amazing church service that whipped me out of my self-pitying state and right back into the reality of who I am in Christ.

In the world's eyes, I may be considered wise due to my academic achievements. But in reality, I know nothing, I don't even really know what I want. In the world's eyes, I may know many people, I feel I have no good job "references" but I know Jesus Christ.

And that is all that matters.

I don't want to keep making the same mistakes. I don't want to live for myself. I don't want to live a typical life. I don't want to be friends with the world. I don't want what is normal or easy. I don't want to rely on myself

I want to live for what God has called me to. I want to die to myself and say yes to God. I want the Kingdom. I want God's dreams. I want to be a servant. I want to honor others above myself. I want God to open the doors. I want to rely on God to fill the void in my heart. I want to give up control.

It will cost me everything. It will be messy. But I couldn't live for anything else, because in the end all else is meaningless.

I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you

I am currently "job seeking" right now which is frustrating because I realize more every day that I really don't know what I want.

I know I need to pray and seek God on this, but I thought some help/advice from friends would be good too.

So here we go!

Who (I am): I have always loved working with kids. I love reading, singing, dancing, doing art, etc!! I have a bachelor's degree in early childhood, an IL teaching certificate, a car, some money saved, a huge collection of children's books, and some misc. teaching supplies.

What (I am looking for): direct contact playing with and loving on children without having to tel them every 2 seconds not to kill each other and/or me! I have a soft spot for the homeless and orphans. It would be good to be able to make enough to live off of but $ is not important.

When: ASAP! I'm ready to dig in!

Where: Anywhere! I am thinking I want to get away from Elgin an go somewhere new. The East Coast, Seattle, Kenya, who knows?

Why: I want to serve God and make a difference in people's lives!!!!

Let me know what you think! Thanks!!!

Kenya 2009

I am not staying with my host family but I got to visit them. I am staying at Maddison House Orphanage in Limuru. There is no electricity or running water there! I am going to the kids' school during the day and hanging out with them at night. It is challenging but God is so good. Words cannot describe Kenya. Please continue to pray,as the other volunteers I stay with are not Christian. ♥


The 3 weeks my Dad and I spent together in Kenya were incredible! We were working in an orphanage started by the organization we went through. My Dad did some painting and repairs, and I helped out at the school the kids went to. We both fell in love with the kids there, and with this beautiful country. My Dad's time ended with an incredible safari in the Maasai Mara Game Preserve.

I am now working with a girl named Shana who I met 2 years ago here. It is such a blessing to be with other believers. We are working on some projects and spending time with the kids at a different orphanage. She started an organization called Jump for Joel.Here is the website and some videos, to give you an idea of what it is like.

http://www.jumpforjoel.org/Site/Welcome.html

http://www.youtube.com/jumpforjoel

The lifespan of things in a Kindergarten classroom

Freshly sharpened pencils: 20 minutes (then they become chewed on, broken in half, or shoved through the holes in the shelving units)

Glue sticks: 1 hour

8 oz bottle of hand sanitizer in the midst of the swine flu scare: 3 days

markers: 1 week (until entire package has dried up because the kids leave the caps off)

Dry erase markers: 2 weeks

Teacher: ??? I'm still alive, but just barely

my patience: 10 minutes (until I get tired of hearing "teacher! teacher! teacher!)

$15 date stamper: 8 months (one of them broke this a few weeks ago). Little monsters...

wooden dollhouse: 4 months

wooden rocking chair: 5 months

wooden barn: 2 days... Read More

wooden dry erase board: 8 months

seating chart: 2 weeks

my passion for teaching: 3 months

my sanity: 9 months

25 things

1. I can’t eat ANYTHING without spilling.
2. I have hated the taste of milk ever since I was a kid.
3. I procrastinate terribly.
4. I have an amazing memory for song lyrics.
5. I am a really fast reader.
6. I have had pets (mostly cats) in my family for as long as I can remember.
7. I had never ridden on a plane until I was 14 and went to Washington D.C. with my school.
8. I love to eat lemon slices straight.
9. I say “like” a lot. I feel it makes me sound less intelligent than I am but I can’t help it!
10. I am very particular about the types of pens I use.
11. I love notebooks! I have about 14 blank ones right now, just waiting to be filled, and yet when I see a cute one, I want to buy it!
12. I love children’s books! It’s my new love language.
13. I love stuffed animals and can’t have enough even now that I’m an adult.
14. I am a proud Aunt. I see my 2 nephews and 2 nieces at least once a week.
15. I have been questioning God’s purpose for my life since I was 14. Now that I am 23, I’m still not sure what it is.
16. I love reading books that transport me to another world.
17. I am an idealist, striving for peace, equality, freedom, and love. At the same time, I am quite pessimistic, knowing that most of these things are hard if not impossible to achieve.
18. I love to be outdoors, though I don’t get to often enough.
19. I LOVE word games!
20. When I was a kid, after I would watch a movie, and then for weeks pretend I was the protagonist in the movie. I still do that now, only in my mind.
21. I like trying to find the perfect gift for someone and then surprising them with it.
22. I wish we could do church they way they did in Acts- simple faith, sharing with one another, loving others, and worshiping Jesus in everything we do.
23. I have a terrible sense of direction.
24. I process things with my heart much more than my head.
25. This list has been surprisingly hard to compile.

Stormcloud

In 1989, we had a black cat named Licorice. She had kittens, and we kept them, later naming one Stormcloud. Stormcloud has been a part of our family ever since, purring on our laps, eating our ice cream, sleeping on our heads. He has been a shoulder to cry on and a faithful companion.

Over the last year, he has gone from being handsome and healthy to sick and malnourished. We found out he had a thyroid condition which caused him to lose weight, which we kept under control by giving him a daily prescription. But then, he got an infection in his mouth which made it hard for him to eat. Now he is down to skin and bones, wasting away and hungry all the time. He still eats a little, and purrs, and sleeps a lot.

We are thinking of having him put to sleep. :( I always wanted him to live forever or be cloned, but I know this in not realistic. I would rather he go peacefully on his own at home. And strangely, I feel I want to be there for him. If you could, pray that we do the right thing for him in the last days of his life.