Please read and respond!

I posted thus to facebook already, but figured I could put it here as well.

2 weeks ago, I got a call that I had been accepted to a mission trip called The World Race. “The World Race is a Christian mission trip that travels to 11 countries in 11 months. Participants live out of a backpack, survive on a limited budget, and find themselves in situations where faith is the only reality to choose from. In partnering with existing missionaries and ministries, World Racers develop relationships with the “least of these”, and through acts of service see communities and nations transformed all over the world.” The route I am looking at starts in January and the countries would be Haiti, the Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Bolivia, Peru, Cambodia, Indonesia, Thailand, Tanzania, Kenya and Uganda. It would start in January. I would be required to raise $14,000 in support. It would probably be the hardest thing I have ever done, but an incredible time to grow as a person and stretch my faith.

Meanwhile, I have had successful interviews with a private Christian preschool in Arlington, Virginia (10 minutes from Washington DC). They have basically offered me a job teaching 4 and 5 year olds there. “At MOECA Prep, we believe that all children deserve a safe, fun, loving, nurturing, academically progressive learning environment in which to develop the skills necessary for a lifetime of learning.” This would also be difficult, as I would have to pick up my life and move to a new area where I don’t know anyone. But this would also be an opportunity to reinvent myself and serve God as a teacher.

When I got the call from the World Race, I had given myself 2 weeks to decide and then I planned to start support raising. Well my “deadline” is today and I have not made a final decision. I want to go visit Virginia first to see the school and area, which probably cannot happen for another week or so, before deciding if I will take the job offer.

I can think of a million reasons to be terrified or excited about either option. And everyone tells me options are good, but I hate making decisions!!! I am terrified of choosing the “wrong” thing and then not being able to turn back.

Missions I believe have always been on my heart, and since traveling to Kenya even more so. Lately I feel like Kenya is all I want to talk or think or feel excited about. When writing essays for the teaching job, I wrote a halfhearted paragraph about my teaching philosophies, and 2 pages about my volunteer experience. Half of me just wants to sell all of my possessions and go build a school/orphanage in Kenya. But then I see friends who have traveled to other places, and wonder if it is just Kenya I am called to, and to what extent, or if I could fall in love with another culture and go be a teacher there. That is why the World Race had initially appealed to me, it would give me a taste of what it is like to do missions and see other countries and cultures. It won’t be safe, and it won’t be easy. All of the testimonies from previous race participants speak of being challenged, stretched, broken, changed. But it is also a rite of passage, a time to put my trust and faith in God to the test.

In terms of the teaching world, the position in Virginia is ideal. It is a Christian school with great values. The staff seems very supportive and would love to have me join them as a teacher. I would have a small class size, with an aid, and be working with an age group I enjoy. There is flexibility within the curriculum for my input and creativity. The facility is brand-new, and the students and parents would hopefully be supportive of the school’s mission. I would have decent pay, great benefits, and time off. During college, I had such a passion for early childhood education and wanted nothing more than to become a teacher. After two years in U-46, this feeling is a vague memory for me, but I wonder if a positive environment could restore my love for teaching and if it is not still what I am called to do. I have after all bought hundreds of children’s books in the past 3 years! Moving to Virginia would give me the opportunity to meet new people, see new places, try new things.

Either way, it will be hard to leave. I have hated Elgin at times, and at times wanted nothing more than to get out! But when it comes down to it, my family is here, and I love being able to be at my parents house in 10 minutes and spend tons of time with my nieces and nephews whenever I want. If I am gone, I will miss the occasions, birthdays, and all the little moments of being an aunt, a sister, a daughter, a friend. My church is here, we have been going there 10 years now, and I love it and am fairly plugged in. I have an awesome “host family” and love living at the Patrick’s! I will miss all of this, my room, the people, my roots. It is hard to be here at times, as a lot of my friends have gone to different ends of the world and I miss the community of college.

I worry about fitting in either way. In the mission field, I already feel unqualified. I have not been fasting or praying about this decision. God and I have been on a rocky path for what seems like forever. In Virginia, I will be in a very upper class area and wonder what that will be like. Half of me wants to be in the dirt in Kenya holding a snotty kid. The other half wants the American Dream- house, kids, cat, white picket fence, silly kitchen appliances, the whole nine yards. I feel like either option I choose, I will be ruined for the other. If I spend a year in missions, I think I will forever be disgusted by consumerism and never want to spend money again. If I go to Virginia, I might lose my love for the poor and vulnerable. Either way, I wonder if I will put roots down or is it just something to do for another year and then will I still be wondering what my purpose in life is? I feel like I have been asking for 10 years what I am meant for and that I don’t fit in anywhere. If I go on the mission trip, I might decide to do missions full-time, which will mean further time away from my family. If I go to Virginia, I might form relationships there with people who love the area and want to stay.

One final personal note- on the World Race, you are not allowed to date. This means I am committed to being 26 at the end of 2011 and single. And this is honestly hard for me, though it would probably be a good thing. Every relational decision I have made over the last 18 months has been in light of my biggest codependent fear of being alone, and I have done some pretty stupid things. But if I am in Virginia, I could meet some handsome man who is educated and rich, which in the world’s eyes is great but what if my calling is still missions?

Again, there is a fear of choosing wrong. Of course, it is great to just do something and my life has lacked structure for the past 2 months and been depressing. But what if I choose teaching and realize that I am just not cut out for it? Or what if I go to the other side of the world and am miserable and homesick? Kenya was the best time of my life, but it was so challenging and there I had it comparatively easy with what I will be doing on the World Race.

So there it is. My heart and my dilemma, my thoughts. They are hard for me to articulate and honestly, I have spent the past 2 weeks trying not to think about it! So, as my family, friends, or facebook friends, or blog readers, or whatever you are, I am asking for advice. For the past 6 months I have heard from some of you “you are young, you are single, you can do anything, go be crazy and have an adventure” or “you cannot leave, I will miss you!” I am asking you:

1. What would you choose if you were me?
2. Based on your knowledge of who I am, what do you think I am called to?
3. Pray. Obviously only God knows, and He and I don’t talk much anymore, so maybe He will talk to you.