When I graduated from college, I had a pretty strong hope and passion and plan for what was next in my life. I was walking fairly closely with God at the time too. Only problem was, my dreams were based on MY plans and what made sense in the scheme of the world. I had an education, and credentials, and some connections to get ahead in the working world. I had a plan of how my life would go.
Anyone who knows me knows all that took a bit of a beating over the last year. It didn't take much time teaching for me to feel burned out, unappreciated, and disillusioned. I watched as slowly all my plans fell apart in a matter of months and let it take me down with it. By May, I started walking away from God and straight into the arms of sin. I took all of my confusion and emptiness as an excuse to rebel and ended up regretting it.
Just before I left for Kenya, I had become pretty bitter about my whole situation. I knew that Kenya would be good but I also knew I was leaving with no idea what I would do when I came home.
From day 2 of being in Kenya, I put the entire trip into God's hands. I had started to develop some expectations of what my experience this time would be like, and I let those go. And I watched God do some amazing things. There were times of frustration and heartbreak, but overall Kenya was a huge lesson to me in trusting God and letting go.
The whole time I was in Kenya various people would ask what I do and I would explain how I don't have a job and need to go home and "figure out what I am doing with my life." I realized quickly that this was the wrong approach altogether and that I just want what God wants.
In Kenya, I saw so much joy in the midst of poverty and suffering. Yes, some circumstances in my life were hard. But I have 2 parents and a home and clothes and food and an education and good health... to an Kenyan this is unbelievable wealth. So I was determined not to lose my joy and fall into our selfish culture and complain.
I came home on a mountain and stayed that way for a few weeks. Yet my quiet times with God began to be neglected and worldly things distracted me. Plus I still had no answers on where my life was headed. I heard about the Vineyard Cause Conference and thought this would be the perfect change to refresh and refocus and seek some direction in my life.
Due to some poor decisions on my part, I did not get all I could out of the conference and the consequences of my choices hit me when I got back. I lost a relationship that had just been beginning and took it pretty hard. I retreated to days of solitude and slothfulness and melancholy. I stopped talking to God.
In the midst of all this, I knew God was removing idols in my life not to hurt me but to teach me to only rely on Him for love, security, purpose, direction, comfort, love, beauty, fulfillment, etc. I knew I needed to be seeking Him, praying and reading His word to find my calling instead of trying to find it on my own. But I didn't.
Tonight I went to an amazing church service that whipped me out of my self-pitying state and right back into the reality of who I am in Christ.
In the world's eyes, I may be considered wise due to my academic achievements. But in reality, I know nothing, I don't even really know what I want. In the world's eyes, I may know many people, I feel I have no good job "references" but I know Jesus Christ.
And that is all that matters.
I don't want to keep making the same mistakes. I don't want to live for myself. I don't want to live a typical life. I don't want to be friends with the world. I don't want what is normal or easy. I don't want to rely on myself
I want to live for what God has called me to. I want to die to myself and say yes to God. I want the Kingdom. I want God's dreams. I want to be a servant. I want to honor others above myself. I want God to open the doors. I want to rely on God to fill the void in my heart. I want to give up control.
It will cost me everything. It will be messy. But I couldn't live for anything else, because in the end all else is meaningless.
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